The Water is Always Clearest After Dawn
by free-your-mind-dreamer

Thanks.  That wasn’t so bad, thinking your way. Hunting as a wolf…it held no appeal to me; it felt like I was losing the last part of my femininity each time I struck my prey.

You’re welcome.

You headed back to the bloodsuckers?  Stupid no good lying leeches…

Maybe.

It’s hard for you to be there, but hard to stay away, too.  I know how that feels.  I was the only one who could empathize with Jacob’s pain, whether he wanted my help or not he was getting it.

You know, Leah, you might want to think a little bit about the future, about what you really want to do.  My head is not going to be the happiest place on earth.  And you’ll have to suffer right along with me.

I took a moment to think about my response, it was much easier to show him than explain.  I could try to tune out his pain, his mind tearing with every step he took alongside her.  But, on the other hand, I could follow his pain, living his was much easier than remembering mine…

Wow, this is going to sound bad.  But, honestly, it will be easier to deal with your pain that face mine.

Fair enough.  He managed a half smile for me.

I know it’s going to be bad for you, Jacob.  I understand that- maybe better than you think.  Hell, of course I understood his pain!  He had to watch those bloodsuckers suck lip in front of him just as I watched Emily and Sam…I don’t like her, but…she’s your Sam.  Everything you want and everything you can’t have.

He was left speechless and I took that as my opportunity to continue.

I know it’s worse for you.  At least Sam is happy.  At least he’s alive and well.  I love him enough that I want that.  I want him to have what’s best for him.  I sighed, I just hoped I was getting through that thick skull of his; I just don’t want to stick around to watch.

Do we need to talk about this?

I think we do.  Because I want you to know that I won’t make it worse for you.  Hell, maybe I’ll even help.  I wasn’t born a compassionless shrew.  I used to be sort of nice, you know.  I would never admit it to Jacob; I would never let the thought cross my mind.  But, a teeny bit of me felt horrible for Jacob, horrible because I knew how much I was torn apart and what it would do to him.  I stayed because of Seth; Jacob had no one.

My memory doesn’t go that far back.  I had to laugh, I didn’t mean to be, well a bitch, but they didn’t know what it was like.

I’m sorry about this, Jacob.  I’m sorry you’re in pain.  I’m sorry it’s getting worse and not better.  I meant every word of the apology and hoped he understood.

Thanks, Leah.

I smiled as I made my way through his mind; trying to help him cope with the pain.  There was darkness everywhere which didn’t surprise me.  I saw the pictures of Bella in her present state, the broken ribs, the bruises, the blood…  He tried to hide it all but it was pointless.  I saw Edward’s offer and the images Jacob tried to forget.  A healthy, Jacob-pregnant Bella…  He cringed mentally and I realized I was doing exactly the opposite of what I’d promised.  Quickly I moved onto his daily encounters with the bloodsuckers.  The leeches, they weren’t horrible but…that Bella always so “smiley” towards Jake, did she have to hurt him like that…?  I moved on, I didn’t want to remind him of her anymore.  Alice, the psychic, didn’t seem so bad but the blonde bimbo had me laughing.  I loved the blonde jokes Jake was using and tried to offer him a few.  How do you confuse a blonde?  Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&M’s!  I sighed as I focused harder on the blonde’s face, Rosalie, because I felt a bizarre connection to Bella’s “killer”.

You know what’s crazy?  I prayed he would understand and not bite my head off for this.

Well, almost everything is crazy right now.  But what do you mean?

That blonde vampire you hate so much- I totally get her perspective.  He paused; thinking I was kidding…then clicked in and all but jumped me.

Hold up!  Let me explain!  I begged him to let my have my turn, to show him my side!

Don’t want to hear it.  I’m outta here.

Wait! Wait!  Don’t leave, I pleaded, C’mon Jake!

Leah, this isn’t really the best way to convince me that I want to spend more time with you in the future.

I rolled my eyes; he was such a drama queen.  Yeesh!  What an overreaction.  You don’t even know what I’m talking about.

What are you talking about?

I’m talking about being a genetic dead end, Jacob.  He didn’t get it; not at all.  His defence came back up and his mind was screaming BITCH!

I don’t understand.  Stupid, stupid, stupid Y chromosome.

You would, if you weren’t just like the rest of them.  If my “female stuff”, I spat the word to him, didn’t send you running for cover just like any stupid male, so you could actually pay attention to what it all means.

Oh.  Typical, typical guy, I mean what else can they say?  They’re always driven by their stupid hormones… I was caught up in my memories of when I first joined the pack, that first month where I realized I was different…too different.  I couldn’t get pregnant, I hadn’t been with a guy since Sam and there was no other guy that I wanted…  It had come down to the ultimate question of my dignity; had my body changed because I’d become a werewolf?  Or, had I become a werewolf because my body was wrong?  I wasn’t feminine enough, I wasn’t good enough…  And all the stupid men could do was say oh, as if that made all my problems go away.  I paused and took a breath, calm Leah, calm…

You know why Sam thinks we imprint?

Sure.  To carry on the line.  Such a smart boy…

Right.  To make a bunch of new little werewolves.  Survival of the species, genetic override.  You’re drawn to the person who gives you the best chance to pass on the wolf gene.  I paused, but he still didn’t understand where I was going, forcing me to say the one sentence I had forbidden myself from thinking…If I was any good for that, Sam would have been drawn to me.

He finally understood as he shared my pain, trying to form some coherent apology in his thoughts but I wasn’t finished my rant.  If I was going to think about him I was going to get it all out.

But I’m not.  There’s something wrong with me.  I don’t have the ability to pass on the gene, apparently, despite my stellar bloodlines.  So I become a freak- the girlie-wolf- good for nothing else.  I’m a genetic dead end and we both know it.  My thoughts became depressed, spiralling out of control as Jacob struggled to push mine aside and find his own.

We do not.  That’s just Sam’s theory.  Imprinting happens, but we don’t know why.  Billy thinks it’s something else.

He had guts, trying to help out, but he wasn’t really helping, I know, I know.  He thinks you’re imprinting to make stronger wolves.  Because you and Sam are such humongous monsters- bigger than our fathers.  But either way, I’m still not a candidate.  I’m… I struggled with the words as I always did, I’m menopausal.  I’m twenty years old and I’m menopausal.

I could feel him cringe away but I honestly didn’t care, it was out on the table and I needed to tell him so he could understand about Rosalie.

You don’t know that, Leah.  He tried to argue, It’s probably just the whole frozen-in-time thing.  When you quit your wolf and start getting older again, I’m sure things will…er…pick right back up.

I sighed, this was going nowhere, I might think that- except that no one’s imprinting on me, notwithstanding my impressive pedigree.  This brought on a whole other thought; you know if you weren’t around, Seth would probably have the best claim to being Alpha- through his blood, at least.  Of course, no one would ever consider me…  It was all prejudice, just because I was a girl…well not just that…

You really want to imprint, or be imprinted on, or whichever?  What’s wrong with going out and falling in love like a normal person, Leah?  Imprinting is just another way of getting your choices taken away from you.

Silly naive Jacob… Sam, Jared, Paul, Quil…they don’t seem to mind.

None of them have a mind of their own.

You don’t want to imprint?  What was wrong with Jacob?  Why the hell wouldn’t he want to imprint?

Hell, no!

That’s just because you’re already in love with her.  That would go away, you know, if you imprinted.  You wouldn’t have to hurt over her anymore.

For once Jacob saw where I was going, do you want to forget the way you feel about Sam?

My mind tore in that instant, did I?  Did I want to forget about everything between him and I?  My heart screamed that I would never forget him but I knew better…I think I do.  Of course I do!  I would give anything to have Sam as mine, but I would take an imprint gladly, someone that loved me and only me.  Jacob and I sighed together as I continued.

But back to my original point, Jacob.  I understand why your blond vampire is so cold- in the figurative sense.  She’s focused.  She’s got her eyes on the prize right?  Because you always want the very most what you can never, ever have.  I almost broke then and there.  I wanted him so bad it hurt just to think about the past, which I rarely did.  I couldn’t let him suffer for me, I wanted him to be happy, but I wanted out of my own suffering.  What had I done to deserve this?!

You would act like Rosalie?  You would murder someone- because that’s what she’s doing, making sure no one interferes with Bella’s death- you would do that to have a baby?  Since when are you a breeder?  Very funny buddy.

I just want the options I don’t have, Jacob.  Maybe, if there was nothing wrong with me, I would never give it a thought.

You would kill for that?  He was so stubborn; all he could see was the mangled image of Bella, not the bigger picture.

That’s not what she’s doing.  I think it’s more like she’s living vicariously.  And…if Bella asked me to help her with this…I paused, thinking for a moment about what I was saying but I knew it was the truth.  Even though I don’t think too much of her, I’d probably do the same as the bloodsucker.  He snarled, about to jump again but I kept talking, because, if it was turned around, I’d want Bella to do that for me.  And so would Rosalie.  We’d both do it her way.

Ugh!  You’re as bad as they are!  I laughed; he was still a boy in so many ways…

That’s the funny thing about knowing you can’t have something.  It makes you desperate.  Was I desperate?  Would I really kill for…?  My head was buzzing a mile a minute and I almost cried at the thought of how far I would really go…

And…that’s my limit.  Right there.  This conversation is over.

Fine.  He phased back to human quickly as he ran from me, ran from the truth.  He needed me now; Jacob Black needed me to help him get through this.  I knew it and so did he, as unwillingly as he wanted to accept it, he knew.  Anyone else would mistake this for me being cheap and going for Jacob to “mend” what Sam and Bella had done to us.  But it wasn’t like that at all…  I was his friend and he was mine, which was all we needed.  Just to be there for each other while the ones we loved enjoyed the bliss they deserved, just not with us.  I kept running, trying not to think about it.

Leah, the lone wolf, doomed to be a genetic mutation, a mistake.  The tears fell as I growled to the sky for cursing me like this.  I would do better, I would make sure Jacob would not go through this, and neither would Seth.  This girlie wolf could be good for something; she would make sure no one in the pack felt this pain.  I would protect them from themselves.  But, for now, I could feel Jacob’s anger as he burst from the Cullen house and it was about time I paid a visit to one Isabella Cullen…